miércoles, 15 de diciembre de 2010

Too Much Too Late

I never got around to finishing my last entry... and I tell you that I won't do it now.

I have been back for 4 months and 2 weeks and a lot has changed. I live in my parent's basement, again. It's not so bad this time because now there is heat and we have air filters around the house so my allergies aren't as bad. I just finished Fall semester and it was so difficult. Being back in English classes is so trippy. I don't know how else to describe it.

 Charlie, Alyx, me, Nolan

These are some of my new best friends. I met Charlie through Alyx, and Alyx through Jessie. Nolan is my boyfriend. I met Nolan through my friend George and I was drawn to him immediately, we both love metal and folk metal and have some stuff in common but also have a lot of differences, which I have learned to appreciate over the years. He studies music, which is completely amazing to me, and he has an epic beard that he is going to butcher soon, which is a bummer, but it's just a beard. Oddly this is one of the two pictures that exist of us two... I think I should increase those numbers soon.

I worked as a Spanish Tutor this semester and I really liked it. I hear that I help the students a lot with grammar issues which makes me really happy, that is my strong point. Writing, not so much. I try to help with writing, and I do help them improve their writing skills, but I'm no native speaker. I can't be too hard on myself though, one never conquers a language.

I went out to Skateland and then dancing on my birthday. It was really fun, I'm surprised so many of my friends actually went roller skating with me and actually HAD FUN! I'm always kind of afraid on the inside that my crazy ideas for group outtings are going to fail miserably, but they always seem to turn out well. I guess it's like wearing a weird outfit of clothing: do it with confidence and everyone will be into it.

AAAAAAAAAAAnnnnddd... that's about it. Funny how I can write pages and pages per week in Argentina but over 4 months in Anchorage, Alaska I can only come up with about 2. It is winter vacation and I am unemployed... I'm looking for a job but no luck so far. I figure by the time I have a chance at getting one, the next semester will start up anyways and I won't be able to do it. However I am trying to stay optimistic and need to start living frugally again. At least here I don't have to live on rice and lemon juice everyday. Despite the crazy budget cuts I made in Buenos Aires, I loved the busy-ness there... I'd live frugally to be in the middle of the action instead of live in luxury in a dead space. Soon enough I will get out again.

And that is my goal at this point: get out.

I'm going to Germany for a month with Jessie, Alyx, maybe Charlie, and others in July. Assuming I can come up with the funds... I have half of what I need, the other half I did have but then Christmas came. I get sick every holiday season. Sick and happy, ironically. I love giving, I love finding something I know someone will love, and giving it to them to see if I was right, if they really like it. I don't want anything in return really. But all the while I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know I am participating in the addiction to Capitalism this country has. Nothing comes from the heart in art, words, or poetry anymore. It's too dramatic, cheesy, or brushed aside if you give something from your soul anymore. We Americans need to be casual, funny, laughing off all the problems that peck at us everyday because we know we are the cause of so many people's misery outside of our patriotic dome called North America. Nevermind the fact that we throw away enough waste to eternally clog the oceans of the earth every year, I'm going to blow all my money on this big screen TV and toss the old one to the dump.

These are the thoughts that go through my head now. I don't see home when I look around anymore. I see a brainwashed society that is afraid to look around, afraid to look ahead. Afraid to know the truth about the way they live because then, and ONLY then, does it become a real problem, one that they have to fix, that they are responsible for - NO-  for which they need to take responsibility. Maybe ignorance really is bliss. I see what is happening and I take the blame and I do what I can to help, to reuse, to recycle, to reduce trash and use less water than needed. I read the news and keep up with politics and I know about the miners in Chile and the Chinese Nobel Prize winner who is locked in prison for expressing his thoughts - for giving the world a peak into his soul. But, unlike us Americans, hiding behind shallow humor and laughing the issues off, he acknowledges, expresses, and for this he is recognized and labeled as a heathen and suffers behind bars.

Which is worse? Being ignorant of the world's issues and being praised for it, or being aware of the world's issues and being punished for it?

These are the thoughts that go through my head now.

I like my life in Alaska. It is certainly different than when I left, and I know the darkness is getting to me considering the cynical tone I have in this entry. But all in all, I have a place here and I meet good people every day through my friends.

"I like my life". That is kind of pathetic. I don't want to like my life.

I want to love my life.